This is not a post about material possessions. It’s about me not trying to fix you and you not trying to fix me.
Know those times when I’m really tired, cranky, hungry, withdrawn? Yes, you know what I’m taking about because it happens to you too.
Here’s the deal. Think about how you are feeling when you are going through one of those periods.
You probably know what’s wrong. You are probably already using whatever tools you have at your disposal to make the situation and your mood better.
You know I can’t help you and me asking you what’s wrong or what I can do to help….well it probably doesn’t help at all.
Worst of all. If you think you caused my “mood”….guess what? You didn’t. We are all responsible for our own moods. It’s just that simple.
Let me own my “stuff” and I’ll let you own your “stuff.” We simply can’t fix each others “stuff” and for the most part can’t help each other with each others “stuff.”
This can be a simple yet complex subject if we let it be. Any thoughts to share about owning our own stuff?
Jim, I am still going to ask you if there is something I can do to help if I feel that something is a miss, it is just the way I am. And even if there is nothing someone can do to help me when I am in a funk or a bad mood I appreciate people asking if they can help, as long as they mean that and are not just saying it to say it. Also there are not many things that either a nap, coffee, ice cream or a beer won’t fix.
Good morning, Jim. While I totally agree that we all own our own moods – you know I believe that we can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond – I have to disagree on the point about how asking what we can do to help probably doesn’t help. My example: Save Teecycle literally started with a tweet saying “How Can We Help?” I get that is a larger situation than just a mood or some “mental stuff” but I think that the “how can we help” dynamic is what makes the social space so great. The other evening, when I was ruthlessly flogging myself for the first day of school #momfail, a few people like yourself jumped in to add perspective, even console. It helped quite a bit. Do I want to use Twitter for therapy on a regular basis? No. But, from time to time, it’s not a bad thing to need your friends.
I’m so confused. This doesn’t even seem like something Jim Raffel of JimRaffel.com would write! Sometimes we do need to be left alone, and all we need to do at those times is simply say so. But friends who know us well enough will reach out even if we seem like we don’t want ‘help’.
Ray,
…and in my case know that when you asked it’s appreciated even if I don’t respond with a “no, not right now but thank you” at that moment.
I agree on the nap and coffee. My personal list would be rounded out with exercise or a few minutes of quite time (call it meditation if you must).
Thanks for jumping in.
Sue,
Did reassurance from me and others get you out of the #momfail mood or did you ultimately do that yourself? Perhaps I didn’t express myself clearly in the post. Sure me reassuring helps but at the end of the day you have to do the work in your head to realize your an awesome Mom.
Also, I’m thinking about when I wrote this piece and if memory serves the person trying to “help me” (God bless her soul for putting up with me sometimes) had emotional attachment to the situation that inspired this post. That’s an entirely different set of circumstances than me offering your some words of encouragement in a situation where i have no skin in the game.
Make more sense now?
I think I addressed your concerns in my response to Sue Spaight.
Oh, and part of me is glad you are seeing a side of me you didn’t know existed. I’m human Anne and have some pretty funky moods from time to time. 🙂
I can definitely get into a funk sometimes, but it’s nearly always to do with things that happen externally and if I can manage a positive outlook or find a fit.
– I agree with Anne that friends can’t help but reach out.
-I agree with Sue that it’s all in how you respond or react
– I DEFINITELY agree with Ray. Nothing a nap can’t solve!
When a friend offers to help – with the current ‘bad situation’ what matters most in the long run is that they have offered. They are willing to give of themselves, show compassion, empathy, sympathy – to be a rock to lean on, an open ear for discussion, debate, reasoning – they are there as a true friend. When someone goes the extra mile, or phone call, or cup of coffee – when they give of themselves, we are able to see how small our problem really is. Insight, learning, collaboration, support, good friends; maybe it doesnt fix our ‘problem’ but man, isnt it great! How selfish to feel bad with all that goodness to wade in. Our support systems lift us up – if we let them. Not all friends are capable of this type of fix, when we get it/see it treat it like gold.
True, ultimately we all get ourselves into/out of our own moods. I agree with that totally. But other voices and perspectives can speed us on our way.
(P.S., to the king of editing, which you are great at, I think if you had left off your last paragraph – which basically says we can’t help each other – we’d get there faster.)
Sue
Selfish is probably a good word for how I was acting when I wrote this post. Good reminder. Seldom are we alone if we are just willing to either reach out to our network or let them in when they are knocking on the door. 🙂
You sir once again wrapped up the whole post and all the comments in a very few words. Nicely done.
Don’t forget about prayer.